Purgatory - Death, or Something Like It
by starshwer
Summary: Sam wonders what Dean is hiding when he comes back from Purgatory. Spoilers for S7 and S8 spoiler clip.


**Title:** Purgatory – Death, or Something Like It  
**Author:** starshwer  
**Pairing:** Dean/Castiel  
**Rating:** PG-13 (for language)  
**Word count:** 1728  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** Everything through Season 7, AND the Season 8 spoilers.

**Summary:** Sam wonders what Dean is hiding when he comes back from Purgatory.  
**Disclaimer:** The characters aren't mine, and I am DYING to watch the Season 8 premiere tonight.  
**A/N**: Another of my ficlets based on Purgatory. Source of inspiration is at the end. Also, this one totally turned out different than I thought it would.

**-Death, or Something Like It-**

"So Cas is dead. You saw him die."

"I saw enough."

"So then what? You're not sure?"

"I said I saw enough, Sam."

Sam shut up. He knew that tone, he knew he'd pushed too far. It would be months, months of Dean's distance, Dean faking normalcy, Dean putting on masks, Dean acting how he 'should' rather than how he wanted. But Sam saw it all. Sam watched and waited and kept his mouth shut and pretended nothing was wrong. Pretended he didn't see the red-rimmed eyes and the lip tremble at odd moments. Pretended Dean wasn't excusing himself to go sit in the car for abnormally long stretches. Pretended Dean wasn't doing research every time he thought Sam's back was turned. Pretended Dean hadn't learned how to better hide his browser history. Pretended he wasn't worried out of his skull. Until one day they'd reached the crossroads. Not a literal crossroads this time, but a metaphorical one. They had been searching for a way to close hell forever. Armed with knowledge from Kevin they'd been in research mode since Dean had come back. Now, it came down to one fact: they needed an angel. In order to close the gate they needed that pure grace. Unfortunately, all the angels were either enemies or dead.

Sam fell back on the motel bed. They'd been driving for 16 hours straight and Sam wasn't even sure what time zone they were in. He'd tried to convince Dean that driving wasn't going to solve their problem but Dean had been uncharacteristically silent. He'd just kept driving, completely ignoring Sam until Sam had given up. Finally, Dean had pulled into a motel in the middle of nowhere only because Sam had ordered him to 'stop in the next town your chin keeps hitting your chest and you're going to get us both killed you jackass' and Dean had conceded…silently.

The next morning Sam woke to Dean packing the car. He didn't ask, he just got ready and slid in the passenger seat and resigned himself to another pointless drive. But about 5 hours into their day the driving got obviously less pointless. Sam had figured out they were in Nebraska and now Dean was watching road signs. They were about 45 minutes outside Valentine when Dean turned off the farm road they'd been on and took them down a long driveway to a secluded farmhouse surrounded by flowers. Sam's grip on the door tightened.

The woman who came out onto the porch was unfamiliar to Sam but she greeted Dean kindly. He hugged her tightly and introduced her to Sam. When she shook his hand he noted the calluses, and the way she studied him, like she was committing his soul to memory.

"Is he around?" Dean asked, voice tight.

"He's out back with Benny." She replied, "Why don't you come in for a drink for a minute? You've had a long drive."

When Sam entered the house he noted the rug directly in front of the door, the sigils discreetly painted on every wall, above every window, the shotgun the woman picked up as she re-entered the house. His eyes narrowed at the woman, obviously a hunter, and somehow she knew Benny. Benny who had left the Winchester brothers just weeks after Dean's return. Off to 'take care of things' he'd said. But he was here. A farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. A farmhouse with flowers on every flat surface it would seem. From what Sam remembered of the vampire, he did not seem to fit in this environment.

The woman poured them both an iced tea in the kitchen and then asked Dean questions about how their search had been going. Sam's neck prickled at the idea of Dean confiding details of their business to this stranger. Even worse, the fact that Sam had no idea Dean had been sending this woman progress reports. Finally, the woman glanced at the clock, "Well, you didn't come here to chew the fat with me all afternoon and I have sheets on the line I need to get. Come on." The brothers followed her out the back door to a carefully groomed back lawn, sloping away from the wrap-around porch. A clothesline full of bedding flapped in the drowsy air and Dean's breathing noticeably changed.

Benny looked up from the chair he was sitting in on the covered porch and then abruptly stood. "Dean."

Dean nodded curtly, "Benny." He licked his lips, "How is he?"

Benny squinted across the grass, "Better. He's happiest when the bees are out in full force." He gestured to the edge of the lawn.

Sam's breath caught. There sat Castiel, the angel of the Lord, in an Adirondack chair watching the bees that hummed across the yard. His face was calm, the most untroubled Sam thought he'd ever seen him. He looked happy, innocent. He looked up at Dean as he crossed the yard and his face creased suddenly, "Do I know you?"

Dean crouched in front of his chair, "I'm Dean Winchester."

Cas nodded, "Should I know you?"

Dean looked down, "Yeah, Cas, you should."

"You know my name."

"Yes, I do. I've known you for years, Cas." Dean reached forward and laid a hand on Cas' slack covered knee.

Cas regarded the hand curiously and then reached out and ran a finger along the course of a vein, "I don't seem to remember you."

"I know."

Sam turned to Benny, "What the hell?"

Benny kept an eye on Cas but turned to Sam, "Castiel started getting…distant in Purgatory. Dean and I tried to keep him as sane as we could, but he reached a point where all he knew what that we were his friends and he needed to stay with us. When we got out he was just…gone. He was mentally gone. He's violent, he's unpredictable around people, he has no idea he's an angel, and he's completely unstable."

Sam stared at the figure on the lawn who had flipped his brother's hand over and was tracing the lines on his palm. "So, what then? Dean just dumped him here with this woman," he gestured to the figure folding sheets into a large basket, "and sent you out here to keep an eye on him?"

"Frankly? Yes." Benny replied simply. "Dean met Martha a long time ago, she was a hunter before losing her husband, and he asked her to take Castiel in. He's helpless and broken and Dean felt that the only way to protect him and protect others from him, was to put him in a place where he couldn't hurt anyone and no one could hurt him."

Sam sunk into a chair on the porch, "Why didn't he tell me?"

"The less people who knew, the better." The vampire sat back down. "Besides, I don't think Dean ever expected to come back here." He met Sam's shocked look, "Castiel is safest away from Dean and he knows that. It was a sacrifice he was willing to make." Benny looked out over the scene before him, "And considering they got me out of Purgatory, I was willing to come here and look after the angel. It's a valid exchange."

Cas was following the lines of Dean's face with his hand while Dean simply watched the angel's face, when Cas suddenly stood, nearly bowling the hunter over. Both men on the porch stiffened and Martha came walking over, basket on hip. "What's wrong, Castiel?"

"I remember you, Dean." His eyes narrowed, "I remember pulling you from hell."

"Cas?"

The angel turned away, "I remember the first time you saw me in the warehouse. You stabbed me, you thought I was a demon."

"That's right."

"And I threatened to throw you back in hell." He turned back to Dean, "I remember you."

Dean swallowed visibly, "Do you remember who you are?"

He seemed to shrink in on himself, looking away, "I'm an angel of the Lord."

Dean caught him by the chin and forced him to meet his gaze, "If you remember that and you remember who I am, do you also remember what you told me in Purgatory?"

"I told you that I'm corrupted. That by taking in the souls of Purgatory they'd tainted my grace irrevocably. That I will forever be at risk of losing myself to the darkness I contained."

"Do you remember what I told you?" Cas tried to look away but Dean kept a strong hand on his face, "Do you remember?"

"You said," the angel's voice broke, "you said that corrupted, tainted, broken or not, you wouldn't let me fall." He pulled away roughly, "But I don't think you understand! I'm not…It's not-"

Dean cut him off by abruptly hugging him tightly, "I don't care, Cas. I meant everything I said. You're the fucking love of my fucking life and I can't-" his voice cracked "I can't get through this life without you. I can't go through my days without you telling me dumb facts about the dumb bees. Or waking me up by staring at me in the middle of the night. Or watching you interact horribly with normal people because your 'people skills' are 'rusty.' Or looking like a fucking action hero when you fight with your angel blade. Or mysteriously appearing in the car or in the room with just a flutter of wings. Oh God, your wings." Dean laughed brokenly, "I can't go through life without those glimpses of your wings. And your complete fear of sex with women. The way you're confused when I laugh about something you don't understand. Your inhuman tolerance of alcohol, your loyalty, your love, your-" his voice breaks again, "your backward tie and your love of hamburgers. Your tenacity, your openness, your belief in free will, your…you, Cas. I love you." He pulled away to look Cas in the eye, "I don't care what you become so long as you don't push me away. Don't…don't go away again."

Cas looked like he would refuse until Dean crushed his mouth in a kiss which the angel returned with enthusiasm.

Martha turned to Sam and Benny, "Well, maybe we should go inside." Sam and Benny followed her. Much, much later Cas and Dean joined the trio for dinner, looking like the weight of the world was finally off their shoulders.

**A/N:**

This fic was inspired by this comment from tumblr:

"I have a feeling that Cas is both alive and topside but is so broken that Dean has to keep him hidden because either a) he's helpless and weak enough that Dean doesn't feel comfortable with anyone else knowing where he is or b) he suffered some sort of violent psychotic breakdown and Dean is the only person he doesn't try to attack on sight. The latter option (or some variation of it) seems the most likely, since I can't shake the feeling that Cas's fear of conflict at the end of S7 had more to it than just the memories of what happened last time he engaged in conflict."

redvioletsquares-dot-tumblr-dot-com/post/32022623243/i-have-a-feeling-that-cas-is-both-alive-and

If you look for me on tumblr I'm under [blog/flatbreadgod]


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